50 Funny Mark Twain Quotes That’ll Surely Make You Chuckle

Funny Mark Twain Quotes have a magical way of weaving humor into the fabric of everyday life, highlighting the absurdities and quirks of human nature with a wit that remains timeless.

As one of America’s greatest literary figures, Twain had an unparalleled knack for turning mundane observations into laugh-out-loud moments. He was poking fun at society’s foibles or offering sardonic commentary on human behavior, his words resonate with anyone who appreciates a good chuckle.

I will mention hilarious quotes from the master himself that are sure to brighten your day and perhaps even spark a new perspective on life’s little challenges. From witty remarks about friendship to clever jabs at politics and everything in between, Twain’s humor is as sharp today as it was over a century ago. 

Who is Mark Twain?

Mark Twain, born Samuel Langhorne Clemens on November 30, 1835, in Florida, Missouri, emerged as a literary giant whose influence resonates through American literature. Growing up in Hannibal—a river town that would later provide the backdrop for many of his stories.

Twain’s early experiences with the vibrant culture and struggles of frontier life deeply shaped his worldview. After losing his father at a young age, he took various jobs to support his family, which ignited his keen observations of human nature and society.

The pseudonym Mark Twain, derived from a riverboat term meaning two fathoms deep indicating safe water symbolizes both his connection to the Mississippi River and his knack for navigating complex social issues through humor and satire.

Through classics such as The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Twain tackled themes like race, freedom, and morality that remain relevant today. His sharp wit often masked profound insights about American life.

Profile Summary

Name	Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens)
Father Name	John Marshall Clemens
Mother Name	Jane Lampton Clemens
Date Of Birth	November 30, 1835
Date Of Death	April 21, 1910
Mark Twain Age	75 years old
Gender	Male
Mark Twain Height	5 feet 8 inches (173 cm)
Mark Twain Weight	Around 160 pounds (73 kg)
Astrological sign	Sagittarius
Mark Twain Net Worth	$85 million
Place of Birth	Florida, Missouri, U.S.
Mark Twain Nationality	American
Primary Sources of Income	Book sales, publishing, lectures
Occupation	Writer, Humorist, Publisher, Lecturer

Funny Mark Twain Quotes

Mark Twain, the master of witticism and humor, had a knack for delivering profound truths wrapped in laughter. His funny quotes often reflect his keen observation of human nature and society’s absurdities. His quotes are mentioned below:

• “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.”
• “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
• “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
• “I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.”

• “If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.”
• “Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.”
• “Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”
• “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.”
• “Jim said that bees won’t sting idiots, but I didn’t believe that, because I tried them lots of times myself and they wouldn’t sting me.”

• “Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.”
• “I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!”
• “A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”
• “When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.”
• “If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.”

• “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.”
• “History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”
• “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.”
• “Put all your eggs in one basket – and watch that basket!”
• “I am as prompt as a clock, if I only know the day a thing is wanted – otherwise I am a natural procrastinaturalist.”

• “Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”
• “In my experience, previously counted chickens never do hatch.”
• “I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.”
• “I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.”
• “To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add the sheep was a tautology.”

• “Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.”
• “The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.”
• “Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired.”
• “The funniest things are forbidden.”
• “Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.”

• “Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”
• “The lack of money is the root of all evil.”
• “The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.”
• “I can last two months on a good compliment.”
• “In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.”

• “There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.”
• “It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.”
• “All right, then, I’ll go to hell.”
• “The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.”
• “The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.”

• “It’s easy to make friends, but hard to get rid of them.”
• “I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.”
• “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”
• at myself.”
• “Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.”

• “Classic′ – a book which people praise and don’t read.”
• “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.”
• “No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.”
• “Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‘we.’”
• “All generalizations are false, including this one.”

• “God created war so that Americans would learn geography.”
• “Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.”
• “Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”
• “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”
• “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”

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Conclusion

These 54 Funny Mark Twain Quotes showcase the author’s unparalleled wit and humor that continue to resonate with readers today. Twain’s clever observations about life, society, and human nature remind us of the timelessness of laughter. 

If you’re looking for a quick laugh or a thought-provoking insight, these quotes provide both entertainment and wisdom. By sharing these Mark Twain Funny Quotes with friends and family, you can spread joy while celebrating the legacy of one of America’s greatest literary figures. 

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